My Awesometastic Guide to Lazy Parenting

Disclaimer: I am (clearly) not a parenting expert. I have, however, found that what we did, and do, works REAL well for us, so I thought I'd share. And also, lazy. So YES.

I am not indicting your parenting style. You do you. Whatever works in this crazy game of parenting.

So. I've been thinking of writing this blog for some time now. Because I seem to end up in convos where someone asks me why I've done what I've done with my kiddos, and typically my answer is "I'm lazy". And I gotta say, the laziness has TOTALLY worked for my fam. Worked better than I ever imagined it would, quite honestly.

So here's the scoop. We had every intention of being "normal" parents- bought the crib, set up the room, had all the typical parenting books ready, bottles in the cupboard, breast pump purchased, the whole nine. Then, this happened.  Babygirl showed up at 29 weeks. All 2 lbs 10 oz of her. And in a flash, everything changed. I had 2 months in the NICU- 2 months where all I did was sit in a recliner and hold this very tiny person skin to skin. And while I did that, I read. A. LOT. It started with the kangaroo care (skin to skin) and from there, I entered into the world of attachment parenting. I had never heard of it, but it became clear pretty quickly that, ready or not, this would have to be our parenting style. Lucky for us, we fell head over heels in love with our daughter, and with this style.

I was terrified to put her in a crib to sleep- getting to watch your child stop breathing and need oxygen from a tank blown into her face a few times will do that to you. In the NICU, the nurses were kind enough to "not notice" that babygirl slept through most of the night on my chest. Her vitals were always best that way. And we continued the trend when we came home. There was just no way I was putting her down for sleep. Neither of us would get any sleep if I did that. She slept on my chest, nursed when she woke and was hungry, and we both drifted easily back to sleep. For the first 2 1/2 years of her life. Then I got pregnant, and at 28 weeks, my supply completely dried up, so the co sleeping continues, just not the nursing her. And now we're joined by our little man, who is just about a year old. Although his entrance into this world was no drama, I still just couldn't bring myself to put him in a crib. So we have our little family in our big king bed, and we love it.

So here's the lazy: we have zero amounts of bedtime routines, except prayers. Occasionally, there'll be a bath. Sometimes a book, depending on what time we manage to get upstairs (daddy has to work late a lot so dinner happens on the later side most days). We change into jammies, we giggle, we snuggle, and within about 15 minutes, both kiddos are out. Ok, both kiddos and daddy, who gets up at ass o'clock for work. No screaming, no crying, no asking for water, no "get back into bed".  Just a really nice, relaxing, cuddle fest. And that leaves mommy free to watch all the garbage television she can get on Hulu and Netflix, or read a book (my nightstand is well stocked with books, nightlights, snacks, remotes, and my phone. always be prepared).

This works on so many levels for us. Obvs, because we're lazy. Also, because we travel a ridiculous amount. Whether it be because the entire family decides to join daddy in California on a work trip for 3 weeks, or because we're constantly flying back and forth from here to Jersey to see our families. We spend an inordinate amount of time sleeping somewhere besides home. And not a pack and play, travel bassinet, extra bed/ room is needed. No packing all the extra things. No special blankies or stuffies, sometimes not even pj's (we generate a LOT of body heat between all of us). No hard nights cause the kiddos are somewhere new. Not even an issue with time changes, which amazes me. No settling back in to our "bedtime routine", or lack there of. Lazy. And awesome.

So. Bottles. When girlfriend was in the NICU, she was too tiny to eat. So for the longest time, they fed her through a tube up her nose. Around 33 weeks, we gave feeding her a try. They told us that bottles are easiest for their little jaws, so we would try that. And that if we wanted it right from the breast, expect to be in the NICU for a longer amount of time. She took a bottle fairly well, but didn't seem to like it so much (she had been latching on to my nipple since I started holding her, but not able to suck). So we got the first bottle out of the way, and I announced that that would be her last bottle until she was also able to nurse. Thank God for lactation specialists. They clued me into this amazing thing called a nipple shield, and girlfriend took full feeds immediately. Like, doctors were pretty amazed she was nursing so well immediately. And so, the bottles went bye bye. Cause I had had almost 2 solid months of nothing but pumping and I. WAS. OVER. IT. All the suction, and the cleaning, and the feeling like a cow, and the stretched out nips, and the cleaning. And then the warming and the filling up the bottles, and the finding a bottle that would work for her, and THE CLEANING. NOPE. No thanks. Plus, every time someone tried to give her a bottle, she'd slap it out of their hands. She had opinions. So, she simply went every where I did. And nursed wherever, whenever she liked. And I never had to clean pump parts and bottles again. Which was glorious!! And due to the cosleeping, I was not sleep deprived, and the hubbs didn't have to get up in the middle of the night, so he could still function at work. I didn't even bother buying bottles for little man. He's never had one, never will. And by the time girlfriend was a little over 1, she was drinking out of cups. All of this was made possible by my next lazy tip:

Moby/ ERGO/ Babywearing! Here's the thing. I used to work out. My nickname in my family was muscles, cause when it came to moving furniture, lifting heavy things, doing hard work, I was your man. And although I would rather get myself waxed everywhere than ever lift weights again, I'm still fairly strong. But. It is simply asinine to carry around a 20 pound effing infant car seat, along with a 30 pound diaper bag and then a baby. Why would anyone do this to themselves? That's a lot of shit to cart around. And those car seats don't fit well in anything- not grocery carts, not high chairs in restaurants, barely in a car. So I lived in a moby wrap until the babes were big enough for the Ergo carrier. They were never fussy because they were being held, so we never needed pacifiers (lazy lazy lazy, who feels like dealing with that drama when it's time to give them up), if they were hungry, the boobs were right there for the taking and usually no one noticed that I was constantly feeding my kiddos, I had my hands free to get shit done (and I really really love to make lists and get shit done....it's kinda my thing), and because I refused to pump and bottle, I never had to carry around bottles and paraphernalia in my diaper bag, making it significantly lighter. Lazy lazy lazy win. The kiddo witching hour when you're trying to get dinner together and baby just wants you? Wear em. Just be careful. We had a mishap with little man that makes me a million times more careful in the kitchen. But on the plus side, both my kids love to play in the kitchen and help. We'll talk about this more in another section. And for all the folks that told me my kids would never learn how to crawl/ walk etc....they both walked early. Oh joy of joys. I would have preferred lazier kiddos, quite honestly. We also didn't have to deal with strollers ever. Crowded places, airports, malls, parks....no strollers. So much easier to navigate. Until I got pregnant with little man, and by about 18 weeks wearing girlfriend was just no longer an option. but by that time she loved to walk, and the stroller was an ok option for her when she was (finally) tired. One less thing to pack and carry around. Because lazy.

Baby proofing. Never fully understood this concept. I mean, gate off some stairs for a while. But padding every. single. thing. in your house? That sounds like work. And so, we didn't. We just straight up didn't. We stuck those plastic thingies in the outlets, because electrocution. We kept the door closed to the cat room, cause kitty litter doesn't make a good snack. Other than that? Nope. We have a stone hearth and fireplace. No padding, and no accidents. I was a bit nervous with girlfriend, cause she was my first, but she always just seemed to know it was there and slowed down before she got there. I thought perhaps it was because she was a girl (although her fearlessness at the playground and the launching herself off of all the things would suggest that had nothing to do with it). But little man has also never had an issue with it. Actually, I happened to watch him one day, and he naturally slowed himself down before he got to the fireplace (right around 7 months old), then used it to stand himself up, looked around, and got back down. They seem to have a natural awareness of what's around them, not only in their home but everywhere else as well. I'm inclined to think it's because we didn't pad down the house like a Little Gym, and they had no choice but to figure it out.And we also don't use plastic for their eating and drinking needs. Glasses and metal utensils and real plates.  Girlfriend broke one plate, once. While unloading the dishwasher when she tried to pick up too many at a time. Lazy. And winning.

Food. Ah food. The bane of most parents' existence. Look it up and you'll find 24 million blog posts and articles about just how sucky it is to feed little people, and their tyrannical demands. And we don't want to go all medieval on them, so we feed them pre-cooked shit shaped like dinosaurs and sigh. Once again, laziness prevails, and it seems to be working for us. I didn't feed them solid food until they were a year old (little man I started a little earlier, but he didn't really do anything but taste a little until 11 months). I one time made a puree for girlfriend. It was stupid. She just wanted what was on my plate, and couldn't care less about the orange colored ridiculousness I was trying to give her. So. I stopped making separate food. Some of her first meals were pasta bolognese, moussaka, chicken mole fajitas, and spinach sauteed with garlic and olive oil. She loved it, she ate off of our plates most of the time, while sitting on our laps (cause who needs to always have a high chair with them? ain't no one got time for that). She ate everything we gave her, and she pretty much still does. She obviously has foods she doesn't prefer (she no longer likes the moussaka with the goat cheese bechamel topping, she just wants to eat the meat and eggplant mixture). But there's food that I don't like so I'm not gonna sweat it. Not only does she loooooove to eat, but she loves to cook too. She flips her own eggs and pancakes, she helps cut stuff up (with a special knife from pampered chef that doesn't cut skin but can cut through most veggies and fruits and sometimes even chicken). She knows how to properly salt and pepper food, and she is OBSESSED with dipping things in olive oil. Screw ketchup, she knows the good stuff. We've never ordered off of a kids menu for her, and don't ever plan to. In California, we tried to give her chicken fingers once, in Disneyland. She took one bite, spit them out, and hasn't tried them since. I find that hilarious. And little man the other night chowed down on Serbian meatballs, a yogurt cucumber dill salad, and roasted potatoes. Start em early. And they both are really really neat eaters. I don't know if it's because I waited to feed them, but I'm always kind of shocked by the lack of mess I have to deal with. And I firmly believe this was because I was too damned lazy to cook them separate food. Seriously. Who has time for that? That's nonsense. If children in other countries can eat food with flavors and spices, why can't ours? Do we have different stomachs that I don't know about? It's like some doctor somewhere said American children are only capable of eating bland food (enter Gerbers and the jars of nasty) and suddenly everyone panics and only feeds kids things that no one else would ever eat because it's disgusting. Either way, it's working for us. And for some reason, they don't really snack, either. Unless I am. And sometimes I share.

So, the daily grind. Little miss can entertain herself for HOURS. Coloring, drawing, somehow figuring out by the time she was 2 1/2 how to write all of her letters, and then writing her name without either of us having taught it to her....I still don't know how that happened. She builds lego towers and train tracks, and takes care of her babies, and races cars. All without mommy's assistance. Granted, the first year plus of her life was spent being carried around by me. She had a rough start and she loved to be carried and I loved having her on me. No swings, no seats, no play mats unless she was really showing interest in being put down, and then the playmat lasted about 5 minutes. And there was no dropping her off in the nursery at church. And she only had a babysitter a total of 5 times in her life so far (my mom, and some really close trusted friends). Yes, that means we didn't do date nights. Out. We would put her to bed and have date nights in. (but we also waited for 5 years of marriage before having kiddos so we kind of expected that there'd be a period of time where going out wouldn't happen so much). She was mommy's girl for sure, and not surprising, considering again traumatic first 2 months of life. But she's quite the independent little thing now. And little man is shaping up to be the same, but he WILL go to the church nursery, and he's happy letting anyone hold him. He's also pretty chill about just hanging out playing in the play kitchen, or playing Godzilla to all big sister's train tracks and towers. They give me time to get stuff done while exploring their surroundings. No crafts provided by me. No setting up games. No whining. No boredom. And somehow, learning has happened. Again, if I figure it out, I'm gonna find a way to sell the method because seriously!! I had zero to do with the learning of all the letters. Maybe it was from watching SuperWhy??  Lazy and loving it.

Yes, my kids sometimes watch TV. not all that much (unless we're sick, in which case, bring. on. the. disney. movies.) We cancelled cable, and I LOATHE all things Disney channel, Disney junior, Nick junior. The shows don't have much to offer learning wise, and I hate commercials, and I'm still trying to figure out why Caillou is even a thing. We watch Superwhy, I tried Sesame Street but she never took to it, and unfortunately she did take to Thomas the Train. I have a really hard time not rolling my eyes while this nonsense is on (Gordon is a real asshole), but it's only the Christmas episode that's on Netflix so I suppose I'll suck it up. Anything else they watch are Disney movies....because mamma likes to sing along. And here's the great catch- if your kid doesn't ever watch commercials, your kid will NEVER ASK YOU FOR SPECIFIC TOYS EVER. This has been the greatest discovery in the history of my household. Her favorite thing to do is grab a gift bag, throw a bunch of crap she finds around the house in it, and excitedly proclaim "Happy Birthday! I made you a present!". This makes my mommy heart happy. And also not hearing about how badly she wants a certain toy is glorious. Lazy, non cable having, not having to watch nonsense I don't like, goodness.

Napping. She stopped at 2. And before that she only napped on me until she was about 18 months old. This is not as awful as you think. She napped, I took walks. She napped, I went to the mall. She napped, I went to "play dates" where I'd sit and chat with friends and drink coffee. We weren't chained to the house. Same boat with little man, naps on me. But then girlfriend and I can go to the park. Or the children's museum. Or hang out outside and paint. Lazy.

Speaking of parks....she climbs all the things. all the time. No fear. And I've never once told her "oh honey you can't do that". I'm always a little shocked at the number of parents who do. If your kid wants to give it a try, why would you say no?? Maybe stand there and make sure they don't fall off of it, but why discourage their bravery? If they think they can, they probably can. The few times she didn't want to try something, she was the one who approached it, looked at it, then said "nope" hopped down and found something else. Trust their instincts. We're all wired to survive. Let em do their thing. Just like I've heard kids ask to try their parent's food, and they say "you probably won't like it." Self fulfilling prophesy, people.

Cleanliness. My kids seems to really enjoy being clean. I find this amusing and awesome. Since day 1, I've given the kiddos showers with me instead of baths. I have no time or patience for filling up a tiny tub that a mini, wet, squiggly thing is going to work their hardest to get out of, just to get me and the entire bathroom wet in the process of cleaning my child. Then, I have to scrub out said tub? No. Thank. You. While they were itty bitty, they would lay on a blanket outside of the shower door while I showered, then I'd bring them in to wash them. As they got a bit older, they moved into just hanging out in the shower with me, then me washing them. Girlfriend started washing herself when she turned 3 (don't worry, I still check to make sure all the bits are clean). We can get up and out within 45 minutes, including showering all 3 of us and doing my hair and make up.  Lazy.

Along with the attachment parenting, I started reading up on a more gentle discipline than any I had heard of or thought to use. Mainly, it's just an understanding that your child is a person with feelings just like any person, and respecting those feelings, and working with a toddler's natural curiosity and abilities instead of fighting against them.  Part of it is always comforting them when they ask for it, even when you don't necessarily think they need it. I find a well-timed hug, kiss, and snuggle will tame the tantrum that's brewing. I give her choices a lot- should we brush our teeth or brush our hair first. As long as she gets to choose, she does what needs to get done with no yelling from me. And she started dressing herself around 2 years old. Buttons still trip her up a bit, but girlfriend can pick out an outfit, put it on, including shoes, brush her hair and brush her teeth. And loves doing it.

We have time-ins, instead of time outs. I never liked the idea of sending them away if they've done something wrong. So, we go together to a spot to sit and calm down. We take some deep breaths, and she tells me why she's mad/ sad/ happy and screamy, etc. These work so well for her. Usually, she just wanted a bit of my attention all to herself, and that gives her the opportunity. Do we have those days where everyone is yelling at everyone? Of course, I have children. Does she have days of some defiance which makes me want to put my head through a wall? Yup. She's 3 1/2. But I feel like those "terrible 2's and 3's" weren't ever really a problem.

Alright, so the truth is, the lazy parenting is our pay off now for the work we put in early on. It's true, I missed out on some nights out because I had a nursling  that I wasn't willing to leave at home. We didn't, and still don't, have that many date nights....maybe 2 a year. But it's just a season and we actually both really enjoy taking the kiddos with us out to dinner or just out and about. It's considered extreme by many, but setting up that foundation for what we have now? Lazy priceless.

Our Valentine's Date

Date night watching a movie. We wouldn't want it any other way.


Loves!

Dear Social Media- Please remove your heads from your collective a$$es

RANT ON.

In the past few months, maybe even few years, I have seen a plethora of things that piss me off on Facebook. Now that I'm more tech savvy, I'm seeing these things on twitter, instagram, etc etc. And now I've just hit my breaking point.

So what's got me raging this time?

Pictures of breastfeeding babies. Pictures of women who've endured mastectomies then covered their scars with tattoos in lieu of reconstructive surgery. Pictures of preemies with shunts in their heads to save them from brain swelling.

All of these pictures have been removed by Facebook for inappropriate content.

REALLY, FACEBOOK?

Women standing up, encouraging each other in the face of a disease that might be a death sentence, encouraging each other during the 2am feedings where you think your nipples just can't take it anymore, where super hero mammas are exclaiming with joy that THEIR MIRACLE IS ALIVE AND THRIVING....these are the pictures you choose to take down??

Want to know the pictures I want off of FB?

How about the ones I get on my newsfeed when my clearly horny acquaintances from other countries (they may or may not be related to the hubbs) "like" photos of women SPREAD EAGLE NAKED. You know what I don't want to see first thing in the morning? Vulva.

How about the pics that pop up when others decide to "like" a page dedicated to putting plastic surgery barbies in a too-tight bikini top in all sorts of "sexy" poses on motorcycles, cars, boats, feigning orgasm faces.

How about the pics of celebrities who apparently forgot to PUT. ON. THEIR. DAMNED. PANTS. before leaving the house. (Ri-Ri I'm looking at you. And you, X-tina)

How about we get rid of THOSE pictures, and then we can talk about how inappropriate it is to see less boob than you would in a v-neck with a child attached.

I've never considered myself a feminist (I really don't think I'm educated enough in that world to give myself the title)...but this sure smacks of sexism to me. As long as the pictures satisfy some sort of sexual pleasure, then it's all good. But GOD FORBID we take a look at something REAL. Something BEAUTIFUL. Something MEANINGFUL. Well now, that just makes us uncomfortable. And it's all about the comfort of our fellow men (I'm looking at you, large men on airplanes who insist on sitting spread eagle and REFUSE TO LET ME USE MY OWN ARMREST).

RANT OVER.

Jersey out.

Why I'm Irritated...today

I'm kind of over it. The "everyone is being so honest so I'll jump on the negativity band wagon" thing that's been happening on parent blogs all over the country lately. I'm all for honesty...but can we celebrate everyone without making anyone else feel like they must be crazy, or abnormal. Maybe it's just me, but I feel a little like I CAN'T be honest in social media because then I would be making others feel bad. and that ticks me off.

So what am I talking about? 

It's posts like "Why I dread breastfeeding". "Why I regret being a SAHM". "Why what you do doesn't matter so you shouldn't be happy in it"...and on and on. (Yes. Theses are all actual blogs that were on Huffington Post today)

I'm sorry that it didn't work out for you the way you hoped it would. I truly am. But should I feel like I'm a freak show because I love it? Because I feel like I was called to do it? Should I keep quiet about my day and my thoughts because it makes you feel bad? AND.  Don't you think maybe, just maybe, your "honesty" about how hard everything was/ is is scaring the crap out of new parents?

We all know it takes work to be parents. Not a shocker. We know it takes work to breastfeed. But weren't there some moments you loved? Wasn't there SOMETHING outside of guilt that made you keep on keeping on? Even a little? I'm all for not making people think your life is perfect, and that everything came easy. But COME ON. Every day for you was hell. You were simply a dairy. You had no impact on your (now grown) children's lives because you raised them instead of working outside the home. No one appreciates you at all, ever. You are a shell of your former self because you chose to be a mom.

These statements are not exactly helpful either.

Everyone has different struggles in parenthood, and in general. But I notice that the only ones being plastered everywhere only contain the downsides. Is it just cool now to thrive in your suffering? Misery loves company so let's all band together and not give any credence to the possible positives of the role that YOU CHOSE.

What would happen if I wrote about how I dread the day babygirl no longer wants to breastfeed. Or how I LOVE cooking for my family- I look forward to it on an almost daily basis. How I love keeping a clean house. How, regardless of the temper tantrums and crankiness, I wouldn't trade this job for anything else in the world. How uber-obsessed with my daughter and hubbs I am. Of course, I'll add in there that it took some serious work.  Work to get her to sleep by herself for naptime (19 months to be exact). Work to get her to breastfeed. It took months of a nipple shield, it took months of daily biting, sometimes drawing blood. It took sometimes not going out without babygirl because she refused to take a bottle. Some days I ask the hubbs to just pick up dinner cause I can't even think about coming up with a meal. Sometimes, clean laundry stays in those baskets until we've reworn everything in there and I just have to wash it all again. Sometimes there's just a lot of crap on the floor, and I still don't turn on the vacuum. 

BUT.

I wouldn't trade it. Not a second of it. Not for anything in the world. And I don't think my life is meaningless now. Do I have the same impact now as I did when I was a teacher? Nope. Does that make me sad? Not really. Does everyone feel this same way? Nope. Is that ok. ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY.

I'm going to share with you now the biggest lesson I've learned since becoming a parent. I'm telling you this has SAVED. ME. And it's this:

KNOW going into it.

KNOW that you're not going to sleep like you used to. For the next few years at the very least. Accept it. You'd be amazed how much less irritated you'll be when you're woken up on an almost nightly basis for however long. Cause you expect it.

KNOW that your life is going to look drastically different than it did before kiddos. You'll be more open to it if you just stop fighting it.

KNOW that there are going to be days when ZERO gets done. And be ok with it. Cause you just CREATED A HUMAN BEING and shit got real.

KNOW that there will never be another thing on the planet that you love as much as that tiny little person in your arms.....and there will never be another thing on the planet that drives you bat s*** crazy like that tiny little person in your arms. That doesn't mean you love them less. It means you're human and all of those references about toddlers just being tiny drunk adults?  They're true.

KNOW that if you plan to breastfeed, your boobs will HURT. In the beginning, you might not be prepared for it. Because everyone talks about how beautiful it is. But the beginning? Just remember, it passes, fairly soon. Just hang in there, and ask all your breastfeeding friends the secret to non-cracked nipps. Everyone has them. (Mine are putting breastmilk on them, followed by coconut or olive oil).

And please. PLEASE. Take everything you read, including this, with a grain of salt. Everyone's experience is different. If someone tells you everything is absolutely perfect- they're lying. If someone tells you that life was hell and there are no redeeming moments to be found- they're lying.

Look for the folks in the middle. Look for the mommy blogs that resonate with you. Trust me, you'll find, and then treasure these women that you don't know who are living your life and your issues that you immediately bond with. (I have my phone on me at all times when I'm getting babygirl down for a nap since I have to hold her for about 20 minutes after she falls asleep before I can put her down- and it's GAME ON for mommy blog time).

I may not have the standard yoga pant mommy uniform (I JUST CAN'T DO IT), but I'm right there in the everyday messes, tantrums, and beauty of life with a toddler. Perhaps I'll invest in some yoga wear if more babies come along. But probably not. I'm from jersey and I've gotta represent.

Loves!

Are you STILL nursing??? and other craptacular questions

Let's start here. I believe that every parent knows innately how to parent THEIR child. This post is not written to make you feel defensive/angry/guilty/shouty/any other "y" emotions. Attachment parenting is not the norm in this country, hence I get loads of questions on the hows and whys of what we do. This post is meant to answer those in one sweep. Am I providing data backing up our choice? Yup. Does that mean that I think that how you raised/are raising your child is wrong and harmful to them? Nope. I'm pretty sure you can find data showing why your way is better. We'll let babygirl tell you all about it when she's in therapy 20 years from now. I kid. In all seriousness, in my circle of mommy friends that I interact with on an at least weekly basis, I'm the only one who went whole hog on the attachment parenting train (baby-wearing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping). I for sure have peeps that do parts of it. But on the whole, I'm a loner. And my friends' babies?  They're all awesome. Happy, well-adjusted, smart. So again, please do not send me hateful comments saying that I'm a monster and that you swear your kid is just fine even though you did x, y and z. I believe you. But this is what MY CHILD needed. So. We good?  Good. Here goes.

If you don't know already, here's the quick glimpse into babygirl's arrival. My pregnancy super sucked. I started nesting at 2 months. We, of course, registered for everything under the sun. I had no idea I wouldn't be a "normal" parent. Her room was all set for her. At 29 weeks and 4 days, I rolled over in bed to discover a crap ton of blood gushing out. I was rushed to the ER (I *may* have threatened the very young EMT in the ambulance to FIND. THE. BABY'S. HEARTBEAT. which he did).The doctor saw me and said "if it's ok with you, we'd like to take her". all calm like. Me? Not so much. I wasn't even 7 months pregnant yet. I looked at the hubbs, and said "I guess...." And 14 people flew into that room and rushed me out, as I threw my cell phone at the hubbs and yelled "CALL MY MOTHER!!".

God had His hands all over babygirl. The doc had ordered general anesthesia, but in the room they decided to go for an epidural (which is MUCH safer for baby). I did vomit the entire time they were operating but I guess I was able to stay still enough. Unbeknownst to me at the time, she was out for a good minute before she made any sound. Poor hubbs knew what was going on, but he didn't let me worry. I only got to see her little foot before they rushed her to the NICU, and I sent hubbs with her while they put my insides back together. About an hour later, they stuck me in a recovery room. Apparently, I'd had a placental abruption- where the placenta is ripped away from the uterus, usually ending in fatality for both baby and mom. Hubbs passed out on the couch, there was no tv, no nothing, and I was high as a kite and had my phone. So I of course announced her traumatic arrival on Facebook (my mom could cheerfully choke me for that one).

I was not allowed to go to the NICU until I could feel my legs. Not cool. She arrived on early Friday morning, August 26th, at 1:26am. I didn't get to see her until much later in the day on Friday. And I was only allowed to grab her little hand through the incubator for a short period of time. My mom miraculously caught a flight out of Jersey (where the state was under a state of emergency for a hurricane, making leaving almost impossible) and got to meet babygirl Friday night. Back in my hospital room, the nurse came in, threw a breast pump at me and said "get started. she needs you". And I did. I pumped like a crazy woman because if this was the ONE thing I could do for her, I was gonna ROCK at it.  I couldn't keep her in- this was the least I could do. Saturday morning at 5 am, the nurse comes in to rip out the catheter (TMI??) and I jump in the shower. Get dressed. And we go downstairs to the NICU, where I camp out for the next 2 months. My docs were a little pissed at me for being MIA, but whatevs, they found me eventually. Something primal came over me. I stopped taking any meds for pain on Saturday morning, and on Sunday, they discharged me because they couldn't find me, again. Every morning, at 10 am, we met with every. single. person. that had something to do with my daughter that day to hear the plan, hear the progress. And everyday, I just cried and asked "But when can I hold her?" Turns out Day 5 was my lucky day. They finally were able to remove the intubation (which she kept trying to remove herself, feisty little thing) and that meant it was safe to hold her. Only for a few hours at a time (the outside was a bit overwhelming), but it was heaven. And I swore to her that as soon as I could, I would hold her every second of every day. And before I even knew what it was called, I had signed on to attachment parenting.

We did kangaroo care (skin to skin) for hours and hours every day- as long as her little body was able to function outside of the incubator. For those periods of time that she had to be back in there, I would pump and research. and sometimes remember to eat. I researched all of the scary things (vaccines, what's in our food supply, NEC- an awful preemie bacteria that when not attended to soon enough, liquifies baby's insides, the pros and cons of formula fortification). Things you can't unread. We made it clear that formula was not an option. I didn't care how much weight they thought she should be gaining, she would have breast milk and I would allow some human milk fortifier. but no formula. I'll tackle the vaccination aspect in another post, as it is long, involved, and gets me raging.
And we had visitors. A friend of mine, Michelle, came bearing some earthy gifts. She gave me a Moby wrap. I had no idea what this was. Turned out, it was the GREATEST GIFT KNOWN TO MAN (more on that gem later).  I read a 600 page preemie book, front to back. I should not have. The nurses made it clear to ONLY READ THE SECTIONS THAT APPLY TO YOU. I did not listen. Mistake.  I read the entire La Leche League book. I also read a LOT of Dr. Sear's parenting books. Which is when I first heard the attachment parenting terms. And I made some decisions.

Still her fave place to snuggle- in my sweatshirt. And I told you she was feisty.
I know it's shocking. SHOCKING. But I'm a leeeetle bit Type A. You could call me a perfectionist. You could call me obsessive. Some might even call me anal retentive. You would be correct. So it shouldn't surprise anyone that when we made the decision to do attachment parenting, I DID attachment parenting. And when we decided to breastfeed? There was no discussion of bottle feed because preemies have a hard time at the breast. I was going to FEED FROM MY BREAST come hell or high water.  (some of that may have been a laziness issue...who wants to go warm a bottle in the middle of the night??) So, once the feeding tube was removed, I allowed daddy to give babygirl one bottle of breastmilk. Then I made it clear that this child was not going to have a bottle again until after she was able to take a full feed from me. How do you know it's a full feed? Apparently, since we were dealing with a 3+ lb baby, you weigh her before and after to see how much she got. (and that didn't mean that I was starving my child...it meant that the feeding tube went back in- she started being able to handle 1 feed a day without the tube, and gradually worked up from there). 

With the help of the MAGICAL nipple shield, my preemie started BREASTFEEDING. that sentence? makes me sob. SOB. It was the one thing I knew I wanted to do parenting-wise before babygirl arrived. And it was the one thing that I was told by many nurses that she most likely would not be able to do (little jaw muscles weren't strong enough, they said. she'll be in the hospital for a lot longer if you don't just give her a bottle, they said.) But this girl? This girl was all about a boob, from day 1. That's where her head ALWAYS went when I held her. (Btws it wasn't every nurse that said that. Many did. But there were some cheering me on!) Eventually, when daddy tried to feed her with a bottle, she literally slapped it out of his hand! To this day, anything resembling a nipple (sippy cup, bottle, pacifier) she shuns. She'll even pull it out of other kids' mouths and throw it on the ground. This secretly makes my heart happy.

In between all of our little victories (she POOPED!!  she's in a CRIB not an incubator!!), there was the apnea. TERRIFYING. Apnea is when babygirl decides to forget to breathe. When her oxygen saturation numbers get too low, cause of the not breathing, machines go off. She turns grayish. goes all limp noodle. sometimes can't wake herself out of it. They told me to pinch her foot if it goes on for too long. Crying means she's breathing. awesome. And it's one of those things that actually gets worse before it gets better. There were 2 times when she needed oxygen blown by her face to get her to breathe again. I can't even handle remembering that. She had apnea fits on me A LOT. Blessing and a curse. She was always monitored, so they obviously would know if it was happening while she was in her crib, but because it was on me, I was able to see the signs without needing the monitors. The one time she did have an episode after we left the NICU,  I was putting her into the moby when she went all limp noodle on me. Thank God it didn't last very long and I woke her right up out of it.

And of course, there was the reflux. Oh, the reflux. That kid could puke with the best of them. She couldn't sleep on her back because of how bad it was. So they gave her a crib that could be tilted up. No help. They gave her a wedge.

Ninja baby. She had to be strapped into it because of the angle so she didn't slide off or fall forward. Still no help. She only slept on her stomach. And since she weighed next to nothing, she had no problems rolling over onto her belly to sleep, no matter how many times the nurses tried to roll her back. She would wake up crying. So. I decided to kangaroo her at night too. I'd try and sleep for a few hours (thank God I was able to sleep in her room, which was awesome) and then when she woke up around 1 or 2, I would grab her, put her in my sweatshirt, recline in the kangaroo chair, and we'd both fall asleep. Happy. Her breathing was better. Her reflux didn't bother her. I slept better- not on edge wondering if she's breathing- yes even with the monitors.
And finally, the day came where we got to take her home. EXCITEMENT. TERROR. RESPONSIBILITY. No more monitors. If she stopped breathing, it was all on us to notice. And she was still soooooo tiny. She hadn't quite hit 5 pounds when we were discharged. We were told not to have her in the carseat for too long, or in a backpack, or in any seats that weren't reclined enough (her windpipes could easily be kinked shut, like a garden hose, at certain angles). THANK GOD FOR THE MOBY!!! It kept her in the kangaroo position, skin to skin with me, and I had both my hands free to do what I needed and still hold babygirl all the time. For the next 14 months, no one ever got to see my cute outfits- that moby was on 24/7.

We discovered that feeding her was basically all I would be doing for a month or two. It took about 45 minutes for her to finish a full feed, and she needed to eat every hour and a half. So I got to read a lot more books (and catch up on crap reality tv). I read Mayim Bialik's book on attachment parenting. I have loved her since "Beaches" (and "Blossom" of course), and I loved her book even more. It made me feel less crazy about the way we were bringing up babygirl (which earned me lots of questions from family and friends, and which I was feeling a little bit guilty about- was I doing this whole parenting thing right? was I really spoiling her?)

Our life in a nutshell:
Hold babygirl.
Nurse babygirl.
Shower with babygirl- highly recommend. She LOVES water, I got to shower every day with her right there with me, and now she tries to wash me!
Hold babygirl while she naps.
Cook and Clean with babygirl in the moby.
Daddy holds babygirl while mamma pees by herself for the first time that day.
Sleep with babygirl on me, while I'm propped up with a husband pillow.
Repeat.

We did leave the house. A lot actually. She was easily portable. She slept on me anyway, so it didn't matter where we were. As long as I had the moby on, we were good to go. I eventually figured out how to nurse her in the moby too.

And during this time, and still, I hear "Just put her down." "She'll never figure out how to self-soothe if you don't put her down." "She'll never leave your bed if you don't move her to her crib now." "You're spoiling her." "We just let ours cry, and they finally figured it out." "Does she sleep through the night yet (at 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, now...)?"

Yes, the questions were said in love, by people who genuinely love us and care about our well being (although there were some random strangers who also gave me their opinion, as if I gave a crap). Did that make it any less crazy making for us? Nope. Did I cringe when I heard the start of one of these? Every time. Did I sometimes want to punch people in the throat when they wouldn't just leave it alone? Abso-freakin-lutely. I wasn't mad about it all the time. We get it. People were genuinely curious- they had never seen a baby raised this way. And that was fine. It got less fine when it was said with the "knowledge" that we were ruining our child (thanks random lady in the store. I'll spoil her? Is she produce? Will she bruise if handled too much??).

So here's my take. Babygirl is only a baby once. For a short period of time in her life. She had a traumatic beginning. If she needs some cuddles, or to be nursed, or to be held I'm gonna do it. She's smart....but she's not tricking me into holding her. Trust me, girlfriend likes to run around on her own. If she's asking, she genuinely needs me. Do I believe that she is capable of self-soothing? Meh. Maybe a little bit. Her panicked cries beg to differ. There are times at 34 years old I just want my mom.

So, I did some more research, cause hey why not. And I've been finding some really interesting things. Again, this is not an indictment on other parenting methods. This just happens to support the one I'm using.

Dangers of Crying It Out Article- Honestly, I've been going back and forth on whether or not I should include this here. There is some really really interesting information here. But she's a tad harsh. I should appreciate that, as I have that same tendancy. Ah well. Let the chips fall where they may. Please don't hate on me.

Dr. Sears- basically I read all of his books. I appreciate his style. Not judgey, just lays out the facts. His vaccine book was a life saver. And now that we're approaching 2, his discipline book has also been a HUGE help with a certain stubborn someone I know.

The Other Baby Book- love this book too. I just recently read this one, and it just helped re-affirm all that we've been doing.

So why do I need to re-affirm, you ask? Well you people just keep asking "questions". You know, things like "Isn't it about time she sleeps on her own?" "Don't you think when she can ask for it, she's too old to nurse?" Perhaps veiled comments is the more appropriate term.

Let's now answer all the questions that you know you wanted to ask but (maybe) didn't:

Do you ever have date nights?
We've had 2 since she's been born. And we're good with that. She comes out with us all the time. We waited 5 years of marriage (9 years of being together total) to have kids. We knew it was going to change our dynamic. Now that she's older and not nursing as much, we'll probably have more.

Do you ever have sex if she's in your bed?
It's funny. A bed is actually NOT required for sex!  She falls asleep, we go off and do our thang.

But your husband hates it, right?
Actually, the hubbs loves it. He works. A LOT. and travels for work. A LOT. He loves having nighttime cuddles with babygirl. There have been many a night where I wake to find she has sprawled herself across his throat. I have no idea how it doesn't choke him, but it is adorbs.

Aren't you afraid you'll roll onto the baby?
Nope. Not once. Hubbs maybe was a bit fearful of that at first, but after the first night, it was all good. I was more afraid of her stopping breathing and me not being close enough to hear it. And I cannot say enough how much easier it is to soothe a baby in the middle of the night by simply turning your body to let her nurse and fall right back to sleep. I was not a sleep deprived new mom, and that was awesome.

Aren't you afraid that if you always hold her, she'll never learn to sit up/crawl/walk?
Nope. when she was ready, she would do those things. I was told that Hindu women (I think...my memory is not as good as it used to be) carry their babies for the first 6 months of their lives, never letting their feet touch the ground because they believe that babies are sacred. I thought that was really cool- and it was a nice departure from the usual "why don't you just use a stroller" comment. oh, and babygirl has consistently scored not only above her adjusted age, but also above her actual age in her gross motor skills evals, so clearly carrying her had zero effect on her movement.

Why don't you just use a stroller?
1. I can't figure out how to open it.
2. Why on earth would I lug around a lot of extra weight and crap with me when I could just have her snuggle on me and do what I need to? I do this thing, a lot, where I imagine worse case scenerios happening and what I might do in those instances. And of course I've pictured taking babygirl for a walk in a stroller, and having someone come and snatch the stroller, and her from me. Yup. Ridiculous. But you'd have to work awfully hard to get her out of the moby before I beat the ever-loving snot out of you.  She's been in a stroller 3 times. None of those times worked well when I was there.
3. Watch this. Anna, this one's for you. Cracks me right up.

Why are you still nursing? Isn't a year enough?
Enough for who? She loves it, I love it, she's getting all the nutrition and more that she needs, the World Health Organization recommends bf'ing for AT LEAST 2 YEARS! It's the best way to keep her healthy, it clears up EVERYTHING- I had an eye infection and it cleared it up in 1 day. The doc was amazed....and then a little weirded out when I told him how I healed it. And no. I did not squirt it directly into my eye. That would take some serious skill.

Isn't she gonna be too dependent on you?
Yes, for a little while. Cause she's a baby, and that's how they work. People think it's so strange to attend to their needs, but how on earth can we expect a tiny person without the capability to even hold up their own heads for very long to soothe themselves to sleep, to occupy and pacify themselves, to only be hungry every 3 hours cause that's when the book said they should be hungry, to sleep through the night for 8 to 12 hours (I know many adults who still can't do that). I just can't imagine hearing that teeny voice call out for me, and not immediately finding out what it is she needs. She's 21 months old now, and there are times that she'll play by herself for hour long stretches. Then she'll run up and give me a hug, or want to be held or nursed for a minute, then runs back to terrorizing the cats. She makes solid eye contact with everyone she sees (and sometimes follows with a very enthusiastic "HIIIIEEEEEE"). She loves playing with other kids. She recognizes and loves Nana, even though she lives 3,000 miles away. Girlfriend has a knack for spotting nurses. I'm telling you, SHE JUST KNOWS. She LOVES them! Sure, she has her clingy phases. Like every other toddler. But she is not hurting for social skills.

Danica McKellar (Winnie Cooper from "The Wonder Years") was recently interviewed because, GASP, she breastfed her child until he was 2 1/2. When asked about attachment parenting, and if she was afraid her child would be spoiled she said cuddling and closeness is one thing. “Doing everything your child wants you to do right when they want you to do it is another thing.” Perfectly stated. For the record I should state that I wanted to make sure I got the quote right after watching the interview. The website I found it on? "Oh No They Didn't!" I. just. sigh.

Which leads me to: WHY SO MUCH CRITICISM? There are a million and one ways to do everything in this world. Why on earth do people have SUCH a hard time dealing with attachment parenting styles? There is some straight up HATE out there for the women who dare to raise their children this way. From the celebrities who take heat for it, to the daytime talk shows that pit extreme parenting styles against each other, to the cover of Time magazine taking a beautiful moment between mother and son and throwing a chair and some camo pants in there for shock value- see here.

Maybe if we all just accepted and moved on, we could take the best parts from each different style and use them as we see fit. Maybe we can just congratulate each other on making it through another crazy day (whether that day is spent at home or at work or both) instead of cutting each other down for the choices being made. Wouldn't that be nice?

And here's my little bonus. It may have something to do with how close we were to losing her (if we had gone to the hospital where I was supposed to deliver, there's a good chance she would not have made it). But I find that attachment parenting has made me a million times more patient- which, if you know me, is a miracle. I'm more thoughtful about my words and actions around her, and more thoughtful than I thought I would be when it comes to meeting her needs, even when they seem completely ridiculous.  And honestly? I never want to be away from her. Call it obsessive, but I cannot bear to be without her. So this attachment thing? It works for us in a big way. FOR US.

So that's our story. Yes we still co-sleep. Yes I still wear her and never use a stroller. Yes I still breastfeed and plan to until she's good and ready to stop. No I don't think it's weird. No I don't think I'm ruining her. Yes we will use this same method if we have another.  Yes you are more than welcome to ask me questions about it, as long as you are not silently judging me and/or telling me about this friend you know who used this method and now her son is a serial killer. That is all.

Loves!