It keeps me up at night...

This is not an easy post. This is what I think about when the lights are out and the fam's asleep and the noise of the day has finally turned off. It's also something I'm not sure I'll ever know the answer to, or if I even want an answer to. Just some ramblings that I thought I'd share...because I can't be the first mom to struggle with this.

If you're new here, I am the proud mamma of a preemie babygirl. Born 10 weeks early due to placental abruption, she flew into this world dramatically and forcefully, and that's just how she likes it. She's now almost 23 months old (about 20 months adjusted age), and learning new things every day.

But that's just it. She's not learning the same things that other kiddos are learning. Some of that is most likely my fault- I don't do a lot of learning based play with her. We don't go over our colors, our letters, our animals. We throw tennis balls, we dance wildly to Pandora, or just the music in our heads. We tickle fight. We giggle. We cook dinner together. We clean together. She wears all of my underwear around her neck. And anything with handles is her new purse that she prances around with. We have naked time, and she attempts to pee in her potty (sometimes just holding onto it as she sprays down the floor). We read the books she picks out. Usually more than once. She tries to dress herself, which a lot of times ends up looking like this:

we take walks. we hang out with our buddies. we have long conversations- not quite sure how but girlfriend connects with me without having to know the words. I just know what she's thinking, feeling, wanting. And she gets what I'm saying to her.

She's finally picking up on more words, but she's not really using them that much. She repeats words when we ask her to, and she follows directions fabulously. But outside of the CONSTANT babbling and play acting, she feels zero need to say real words to us. (Of course, minus the HI DA!!! that the hubbs gets every time he walks in the door).

And therein lies the rub. The one that gets me all insomnia like. The voice in my head that has been telling me since college when I worked at a summer camp for special needs children and adults, that it was practice for my life. The quite insistence in my gut that I not get her vaccinated, because I know that she'll be changed forever by it. The something in my heart telling me that babygirl is just gonna be a bit different than her buddies.

Kiddos far younger than her have mastered some of these speaking skills that she doesn't have/ use yet. And I know that every kid works at their own pace. I really do. But that doesn't stop the voice.

And I know that she is doing things now that most kiddos her age don't do. Life skill type things. She knows how to bathe herself. She buckles herself into everything completely unassisted. She stops and really THINKS about everything- the mechanics of it. She does NOT stop to think about climbing anything and everything- but as far as how things work, she's a mini hubbs- the little engineer.  She knows how to dress herself, shoes on correct feet and all. Independent doesn't begin to describe it. Mamma gets shooed away a lot.

And yet. I'm not enrolling her in every let's-learn-our-colors classes like I thought I would. I'm not taking her to speech therapists. Please, she hasn't even seen her pediatrician since January. Part of it is the different studies I'm reading on all the different methods of parenting around the world. The one that caught my eye? Primary School starts at age 7 in Finland. And they "learn how to learn". It's a fascinating article, and one I hold close to heart, since that seems to be the strategy I'm going with currently.

I thought it might just be laziness on my part (and maybe it partly is), but the time I have to spend with her I really don't want to be forcing her to learn things that I feel will come naturally at some point. Having said that, I now of course am a little worried that words aren't coming quite as naturally as I thought they would. And since we've done heavy attachment parenting, I thought maybe she's not talking because all of her needs are being met so she doesn't need to. Should I ignore her so she'll ask me for things?

It's scary, this whole parenting thing. Like, I haven't said all of this to ANYONE (hubbs and mom included). we can call it internet bravery. Sometimes the scary is less when typed. But sometimes the scary is all I can think about.

So. I read. A lot. And sometimes it's so comforting. To see that other cultures don't put SO MUCH into milestones. And their kids turn out just as smart. And sometimes I feel like a bad parent who has failed my child. But then I see how happy she is pretty much always and think I must have done something right.

This ball of busy will simply teach me more about God's timing. A lesson I'm not so sure I wanted just now, thank you very much.

My teenie preemie will someday learn to talk. I'm almost sure of it. When she's good and ready (stubborn little thing from day 1). And she might be a little behind her buddies. But she might catch up. And if she doesn't? Well, we'll tackle that when the time comes. I'm learning to take it in stride. I'm learning to deal with that voice. I'm sleeping a little better, sometimes.

Loves!

Are you STILL nursing??? and other craptacular questions

Let's start here. I believe that every parent knows innately how to parent THEIR child. This post is not written to make you feel defensive/angry/guilty/shouty/any other "y" emotions. Attachment parenting is not the norm in this country, hence I get loads of questions on the hows and whys of what we do. This post is meant to answer those in one sweep. Am I providing data backing up our choice? Yup. Does that mean that I think that how you raised/are raising your child is wrong and harmful to them? Nope. I'm pretty sure you can find data showing why your way is better. We'll let babygirl tell you all about it when she's in therapy 20 years from now. I kid. In all seriousness, in my circle of mommy friends that I interact with on an at least weekly basis, I'm the only one who went whole hog on the attachment parenting train (baby-wearing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping). I for sure have peeps that do parts of it. But on the whole, I'm a loner. And my friends' babies?  They're all awesome. Happy, well-adjusted, smart. So again, please do not send me hateful comments saying that I'm a monster and that you swear your kid is just fine even though you did x, y and z. I believe you. But this is what MY CHILD needed. So. We good?  Good. Here goes.

If you don't know already, here's the quick glimpse into babygirl's arrival. My pregnancy super sucked. I started nesting at 2 months. We, of course, registered for everything under the sun. I had no idea I wouldn't be a "normal" parent. Her room was all set for her. At 29 weeks and 4 days, I rolled over in bed to discover a crap ton of blood gushing out. I was rushed to the ER (I *may* have threatened the very young EMT in the ambulance to FIND. THE. BABY'S. HEARTBEAT. which he did).The doctor saw me and said "if it's ok with you, we'd like to take her". all calm like. Me? Not so much. I wasn't even 7 months pregnant yet. I looked at the hubbs, and said "I guess...." And 14 people flew into that room and rushed me out, as I threw my cell phone at the hubbs and yelled "CALL MY MOTHER!!".

God had His hands all over babygirl. The doc had ordered general anesthesia, but in the room they decided to go for an epidural (which is MUCH safer for baby). I did vomit the entire time they were operating but I guess I was able to stay still enough. Unbeknownst to me at the time, she was out for a good minute before she made any sound. Poor hubbs knew what was going on, but he didn't let me worry. I only got to see her little foot before they rushed her to the NICU, and I sent hubbs with her while they put my insides back together. About an hour later, they stuck me in a recovery room. Apparently, I'd had a placental abruption- where the placenta is ripped away from the uterus, usually ending in fatality for both baby and mom. Hubbs passed out on the couch, there was no tv, no nothing, and I was high as a kite and had my phone. So I of course announced her traumatic arrival on Facebook (my mom could cheerfully choke me for that one).

I was not allowed to go to the NICU until I could feel my legs. Not cool. She arrived on early Friday morning, August 26th, at 1:26am. I didn't get to see her until much later in the day on Friday. And I was only allowed to grab her little hand through the incubator for a short period of time. My mom miraculously caught a flight out of Jersey (where the state was under a state of emergency for a hurricane, making leaving almost impossible) and got to meet babygirl Friday night. Back in my hospital room, the nurse came in, threw a breast pump at me and said "get started. she needs you". And I did. I pumped like a crazy woman because if this was the ONE thing I could do for her, I was gonna ROCK at it.  I couldn't keep her in- this was the least I could do. Saturday morning at 5 am, the nurse comes in to rip out the catheter (TMI??) and I jump in the shower. Get dressed. And we go downstairs to the NICU, where I camp out for the next 2 months. My docs were a little pissed at me for being MIA, but whatevs, they found me eventually. Something primal came over me. I stopped taking any meds for pain on Saturday morning, and on Sunday, they discharged me because they couldn't find me, again. Every morning, at 10 am, we met with every. single. person. that had something to do with my daughter that day to hear the plan, hear the progress. And everyday, I just cried and asked "But when can I hold her?" Turns out Day 5 was my lucky day. They finally were able to remove the intubation (which she kept trying to remove herself, feisty little thing) and that meant it was safe to hold her. Only for a few hours at a time (the outside was a bit overwhelming), but it was heaven. And I swore to her that as soon as I could, I would hold her every second of every day. And before I even knew what it was called, I had signed on to attachment parenting.

We did kangaroo care (skin to skin) for hours and hours every day- as long as her little body was able to function outside of the incubator. For those periods of time that she had to be back in there, I would pump and research. and sometimes remember to eat. I researched all of the scary things (vaccines, what's in our food supply, NEC- an awful preemie bacteria that when not attended to soon enough, liquifies baby's insides, the pros and cons of formula fortification). Things you can't unread. We made it clear that formula was not an option. I didn't care how much weight they thought she should be gaining, she would have breast milk and I would allow some human milk fortifier. but no formula. I'll tackle the vaccination aspect in another post, as it is long, involved, and gets me raging.
And we had visitors. A friend of mine, Michelle, came bearing some earthy gifts. She gave me a Moby wrap. I had no idea what this was. Turned out, it was the GREATEST GIFT KNOWN TO MAN (more on that gem later).  I read a 600 page preemie book, front to back. I should not have. The nurses made it clear to ONLY READ THE SECTIONS THAT APPLY TO YOU. I did not listen. Mistake.  I read the entire La Leche League book. I also read a LOT of Dr. Sear's parenting books. Which is when I first heard the attachment parenting terms. And I made some decisions.

Still her fave place to snuggle- in my sweatshirt. And I told you she was feisty.
I know it's shocking. SHOCKING. But I'm a leeeetle bit Type A. You could call me a perfectionist. You could call me obsessive. Some might even call me anal retentive. You would be correct. So it shouldn't surprise anyone that when we made the decision to do attachment parenting, I DID attachment parenting. And when we decided to breastfeed? There was no discussion of bottle feed because preemies have a hard time at the breast. I was going to FEED FROM MY BREAST come hell or high water.  (some of that may have been a laziness issue...who wants to go warm a bottle in the middle of the night??) So, once the feeding tube was removed, I allowed daddy to give babygirl one bottle of breastmilk. Then I made it clear that this child was not going to have a bottle again until after she was able to take a full feed from me. How do you know it's a full feed? Apparently, since we were dealing with a 3+ lb baby, you weigh her before and after to see how much she got. (and that didn't mean that I was starving my child...it meant that the feeding tube went back in- she started being able to handle 1 feed a day without the tube, and gradually worked up from there). 

With the help of the MAGICAL nipple shield, my preemie started BREASTFEEDING. that sentence? makes me sob. SOB. It was the one thing I knew I wanted to do parenting-wise before babygirl arrived. And it was the one thing that I was told by many nurses that she most likely would not be able to do (little jaw muscles weren't strong enough, they said. she'll be in the hospital for a lot longer if you don't just give her a bottle, they said.) But this girl? This girl was all about a boob, from day 1. That's where her head ALWAYS went when I held her. (Btws it wasn't every nurse that said that. Many did. But there were some cheering me on!) Eventually, when daddy tried to feed her with a bottle, she literally slapped it out of his hand! To this day, anything resembling a nipple (sippy cup, bottle, pacifier) she shuns. She'll even pull it out of other kids' mouths and throw it on the ground. This secretly makes my heart happy.

In between all of our little victories (she POOPED!!  she's in a CRIB not an incubator!!), there was the apnea. TERRIFYING. Apnea is when babygirl decides to forget to breathe. When her oxygen saturation numbers get too low, cause of the not breathing, machines go off. She turns grayish. goes all limp noodle. sometimes can't wake herself out of it. They told me to pinch her foot if it goes on for too long. Crying means she's breathing. awesome. And it's one of those things that actually gets worse before it gets better. There were 2 times when she needed oxygen blown by her face to get her to breathe again. I can't even handle remembering that. She had apnea fits on me A LOT. Blessing and a curse. She was always monitored, so they obviously would know if it was happening while she was in her crib, but because it was on me, I was able to see the signs without needing the monitors. The one time she did have an episode after we left the NICU,  I was putting her into the moby when she went all limp noodle on me. Thank God it didn't last very long and I woke her right up out of it.

And of course, there was the reflux. Oh, the reflux. That kid could puke with the best of them. She couldn't sleep on her back because of how bad it was. So they gave her a crib that could be tilted up. No help. They gave her a wedge.

Ninja baby. She had to be strapped into it because of the angle so she didn't slide off or fall forward. Still no help. She only slept on her stomach. And since she weighed next to nothing, she had no problems rolling over onto her belly to sleep, no matter how many times the nurses tried to roll her back. She would wake up crying. So. I decided to kangaroo her at night too. I'd try and sleep for a few hours (thank God I was able to sleep in her room, which was awesome) and then when she woke up around 1 or 2, I would grab her, put her in my sweatshirt, recline in the kangaroo chair, and we'd both fall asleep. Happy. Her breathing was better. Her reflux didn't bother her. I slept better- not on edge wondering if she's breathing- yes even with the monitors.
And finally, the day came where we got to take her home. EXCITEMENT. TERROR. RESPONSIBILITY. No more monitors. If she stopped breathing, it was all on us to notice. And she was still soooooo tiny. She hadn't quite hit 5 pounds when we were discharged. We were told not to have her in the carseat for too long, or in a backpack, or in any seats that weren't reclined enough (her windpipes could easily be kinked shut, like a garden hose, at certain angles). THANK GOD FOR THE MOBY!!! It kept her in the kangaroo position, skin to skin with me, and I had both my hands free to do what I needed and still hold babygirl all the time. For the next 14 months, no one ever got to see my cute outfits- that moby was on 24/7.

We discovered that feeding her was basically all I would be doing for a month or two. It took about 45 minutes for her to finish a full feed, and she needed to eat every hour and a half. So I got to read a lot more books (and catch up on crap reality tv). I read Mayim Bialik's book on attachment parenting. I have loved her since "Beaches" (and "Blossom" of course), and I loved her book even more. It made me feel less crazy about the way we were bringing up babygirl (which earned me lots of questions from family and friends, and which I was feeling a little bit guilty about- was I doing this whole parenting thing right? was I really spoiling her?)

Our life in a nutshell:
Hold babygirl.
Nurse babygirl.
Shower with babygirl- highly recommend. She LOVES water, I got to shower every day with her right there with me, and now she tries to wash me!
Hold babygirl while she naps.
Cook and Clean with babygirl in the moby.
Daddy holds babygirl while mamma pees by herself for the first time that day.
Sleep with babygirl on me, while I'm propped up with a husband pillow.
Repeat.

We did leave the house. A lot actually. She was easily portable. She slept on me anyway, so it didn't matter where we were. As long as I had the moby on, we were good to go. I eventually figured out how to nurse her in the moby too.

And during this time, and still, I hear "Just put her down." "She'll never figure out how to self-soothe if you don't put her down." "She'll never leave your bed if you don't move her to her crib now." "You're spoiling her." "We just let ours cry, and they finally figured it out." "Does she sleep through the night yet (at 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, now...)?"

Yes, the questions were said in love, by people who genuinely love us and care about our well being (although there were some random strangers who also gave me their opinion, as if I gave a crap). Did that make it any less crazy making for us? Nope. Did I cringe when I heard the start of one of these? Every time. Did I sometimes want to punch people in the throat when they wouldn't just leave it alone? Abso-freakin-lutely. I wasn't mad about it all the time. We get it. People were genuinely curious- they had never seen a baby raised this way. And that was fine. It got less fine when it was said with the "knowledge" that we were ruining our child (thanks random lady in the store. I'll spoil her? Is she produce? Will she bruise if handled too much??).

So here's my take. Babygirl is only a baby once. For a short period of time in her life. She had a traumatic beginning. If she needs some cuddles, or to be nursed, or to be held I'm gonna do it. She's smart....but she's not tricking me into holding her. Trust me, girlfriend likes to run around on her own. If she's asking, she genuinely needs me. Do I believe that she is capable of self-soothing? Meh. Maybe a little bit. Her panicked cries beg to differ. There are times at 34 years old I just want my mom.

So, I did some more research, cause hey why not. And I've been finding some really interesting things. Again, this is not an indictment on other parenting methods. This just happens to support the one I'm using.

Dangers of Crying It Out Article- Honestly, I've been going back and forth on whether or not I should include this here. There is some really really interesting information here. But she's a tad harsh. I should appreciate that, as I have that same tendancy. Ah well. Let the chips fall where they may. Please don't hate on me.

Dr. Sears- basically I read all of his books. I appreciate his style. Not judgey, just lays out the facts. His vaccine book was a life saver. And now that we're approaching 2, his discipline book has also been a HUGE help with a certain stubborn someone I know.

The Other Baby Book- love this book too. I just recently read this one, and it just helped re-affirm all that we've been doing.

So why do I need to re-affirm, you ask? Well you people just keep asking "questions". You know, things like "Isn't it about time she sleeps on her own?" "Don't you think when she can ask for it, she's too old to nurse?" Perhaps veiled comments is the more appropriate term.

Let's now answer all the questions that you know you wanted to ask but (maybe) didn't:

Do you ever have date nights?
We've had 2 since she's been born. And we're good with that. She comes out with us all the time. We waited 5 years of marriage (9 years of being together total) to have kids. We knew it was going to change our dynamic. Now that she's older and not nursing as much, we'll probably have more.

Do you ever have sex if she's in your bed?
It's funny. A bed is actually NOT required for sex!  She falls asleep, we go off and do our thang.

But your husband hates it, right?
Actually, the hubbs loves it. He works. A LOT. and travels for work. A LOT. He loves having nighttime cuddles with babygirl. There have been many a night where I wake to find she has sprawled herself across his throat. I have no idea how it doesn't choke him, but it is adorbs.

Aren't you afraid you'll roll onto the baby?
Nope. Not once. Hubbs maybe was a bit fearful of that at first, but after the first night, it was all good. I was more afraid of her stopping breathing and me not being close enough to hear it. And I cannot say enough how much easier it is to soothe a baby in the middle of the night by simply turning your body to let her nurse and fall right back to sleep. I was not a sleep deprived new mom, and that was awesome.

Aren't you afraid that if you always hold her, she'll never learn to sit up/crawl/walk?
Nope. when she was ready, she would do those things. I was told that Hindu women (I think...my memory is not as good as it used to be) carry their babies for the first 6 months of their lives, never letting their feet touch the ground because they believe that babies are sacred. I thought that was really cool- and it was a nice departure from the usual "why don't you just use a stroller" comment. oh, and babygirl has consistently scored not only above her adjusted age, but also above her actual age in her gross motor skills evals, so clearly carrying her had zero effect on her movement.

Why don't you just use a stroller?
1. I can't figure out how to open it.
2. Why on earth would I lug around a lot of extra weight and crap with me when I could just have her snuggle on me and do what I need to? I do this thing, a lot, where I imagine worse case scenerios happening and what I might do in those instances. And of course I've pictured taking babygirl for a walk in a stroller, and having someone come and snatch the stroller, and her from me. Yup. Ridiculous. But you'd have to work awfully hard to get her out of the moby before I beat the ever-loving snot out of you.  She's been in a stroller 3 times. None of those times worked well when I was there.
3. Watch this. Anna, this one's for you. Cracks me right up.

Why are you still nursing? Isn't a year enough?
Enough for who? She loves it, I love it, she's getting all the nutrition and more that she needs, the World Health Organization recommends bf'ing for AT LEAST 2 YEARS! It's the best way to keep her healthy, it clears up EVERYTHING- I had an eye infection and it cleared it up in 1 day. The doc was amazed....and then a little weirded out when I told him how I healed it. And no. I did not squirt it directly into my eye. That would take some serious skill.

Isn't she gonna be too dependent on you?
Yes, for a little while. Cause she's a baby, and that's how they work. People think it's so strange to attend to their needs, but how on earth can we expect a tiny person without the capability to even hold up their own heads for very long to soothe themselves to sleep, to occupy and pacify themselves, to only be hungry every 3 hours cause that's when the book said they should be hungry, to sleep through the night for 8 to 12 hours (I know many adults who still can't do that). I just can't imagine hearing that teeny voice call out for me, and not immediately finding out what it is she needs. She's 21 months old now, and there are times that she'll play by herself for hour long stretches. Then she'll run up and give me a hug, or want to be held or nursed for a minute, then runs back to terrorizing the cats. She makes solid eye contact with everyone she sees (and sometimes follows with a very enthusiastic "HIIIIEEEEEE"). She loves playing with other kids. She recognizes and loves Nana, even though she lives 3,000 miles away. Girlfriend has a knack for spotting nurses. I'm telling you, SHE JUST KNOWS. She LOVES them! Sure, she has her clingy phases. Like every other toddler. But she is not hurting for social skills.

Danica McKellar (Winnie Cooper from "The Wonder Years") was recently interviewed because, GASP, she breastfed her child until he was 2 1/2. When asked about attachment parenting, and if she was afraid her child would be spoiled she said cuddling and closeness is one thing. “Doing everything your child wants you to do right when they want you to do it is another thing.” Perfectly stated. For the record I should state that I wanted to make sure I got the quote right after watching the interview. The website I found it on? "Oh No They Didn't!" I. just. sigh.

Which leads me to: WHY SO MUCH CRITICISM? There are a million and one ways to do everything in this world. Why on earth do people have SUCH a hard time dealing with attachment parenting styles? There is some straight up HATE out there for the women who dare to raise their children this way. From the celebrities who take heat for it, to the daytime talk shows that pit extreme parenting styles against each other, to the cover of Time magazine taking a beautiful moment between mother and son and throwing a chair and some camo pants in there for shock value- see here.

Maybe if we all just accepted and moved on, we could take the best parts from each different style and use them as we see fit. Maybe we can just congratulate each other on making it through another crazy day (whether that day is spent at home or at work or both) instead of cutting each other down for the choices being made. Wouldn't that be nice?

And here's my little bonus. It may have something to do with how close we were to losing her (if we had gone to the hospital where I was supposed to deliver, there's a good chance she would not have made it). But I find that attachment parenting has made me a million times more patient- which, if you know me, is a miracle. I'm more thoughtful about my words and actions around her, and more thoughtful than I thought I would be when it comes to meeting her needs, even when they seem completely ridiculous.  And honestly? I never want to be away from her. Call it obsessive, but I cannot bear to be without her. So this attachment thing? It works for us in a big way. FOR US.

So that's our story. Yes we still co-sleep. Yes I still wear her and never use a stroller. Yes I still breastfeed and plan to until she's good and ready to stop. No I don't think it's weird. No I don't think I'm ruining her. Yes we will use this same method if we have another.  Yes you are more than welcome to ask me questions about it, as long as you are not silently judging me and/or telling me about this friend you know who used this method and now her son is a serial killer. That is all.

Loves!